Express Your Feelings, have fun.
At this toddler age, parents are still the center of your child's world, but are beginning to discover the bigger world around them, and this includes other people. Toddler years are challenging as they are exploring their world. We liked to take every opportunity to build on the topic of their birth story in common events, such as driving past the doctors' office. "Oh there's the doctors office we went to when I had to get help to have you." We wanted to keep it simple, fun, expressing more of the feelings than the facts.
"We are sooo thankful and soooo happy that you are part of our family! We have been wanting you and loving you a loooong time before you were born. When got help from a doctor, and help from a donor, and then mommy got pregnant with you! Your daddy took extra good care of mommy while you were growing inside mommy. Then after a while YOU were BORN! And we were SOOOOO HAPPY! Our dream had come true!"
Another suggestion:
"Babies are usually made from a little part of a mommy and a little part of daddy, and because mommy wasn't very well, she needed some help from another woman, who gave her the part your mommy needed. So, you were made from a little part of daddy and a little part from our helper woman."
Toddlers really love to hear stories about themselves and especially how they were born. We noticed this immediately with our children and took it as an opportunity to incorporate their third party conception into their birth story. We began a family custom, that on their birthday we would always tell their birth story. And the older they got, the more fun we had as they would ask for more detail.
Telling funny stories about their earliest years keeps everything light and happy. For example: "Remember Mateo the time when you were about 6 months old? At that time, you had been eating a lot of spinach and had gotten so strong! Sleepy mommy set you down on the kitchen table while you were still strapped into the car seat. When your mommy turned to set the grocery bag down, you had rocked yourself in that car seat so hard that you flipped yourself right off the table and onto the floor! Mommy looked and saw you and the whole car seat upside down! You about gave her a heart attack until she turned you over - and you were laughing! Do you remember that? Not a scratch on you, you were laughing!" And the kids would love it, and squeal and laugh and laugh. "Now me, tell me about me!" the other ones would eagerly ask.
By starting to tell your child (ren) early in life about their birth story, in a joyful and positive way, it is likely that they will not remember a time when they did not know about how they came to be, or that donor conception is anything other than an ordinary part of their story.
Can you share how early it was in your child's life when you first told them. How did you first approach this conversation with them?
Teresa Villegas says...
Hello Frances,
In your situation, some would say you used an “embryo donor.” But that may be too simplistic to suggest, without knowing your details.
We do not have a specific version for this, however, you could begin with the Sperm Donor Twins book to open up the conversation. http://howwebecameafamily.com/collections/frontpage/products/sperm-donor-twins-1
When you read the book and they ask “where’s my daddy” you can simply say “I don’t know. But what you DO know is that this kind man had given us something very valuable; a family”. Because of his kindness and help, he gave us a tiny part of himself so that we could have you in our lives! You are soooo loved! And you are so verrrry much wanted by all of us!"
Then, as you read the book again, and again, the story is repeated, adding different ways to comment on your personal story specfic to your family, such as “You know, we also used an egg donor too.” and go from there, always ending with how happy you are that the donors helped and made your dream come true, and that is why your family is so happy and full of love!
Telling is a process, and it becomes easier the more you read the book, and the more you talk and add various ways of mentioning the specifics of your own family building experience over the years.
On September 16, 2016
Frances says...
I have beautiful twin boys born from donor egg and donor sperm. They are 3 years old and have started to ask “Where’s my Daddy?” Is there a version of this book for me?
Any suggestions for me…..
On October 21, 2015